What If…?

It's been a while since I've blogged, but I've been compelled.

 

It seems the past keeps creeping its way back into the present; feelings I thought were gone are resurfacing. These aren't romantic feelings, but dang-I-thought-I-was-over-that feelings and if-I could-turn-back-time-would-I ? feelings.

 

It's making me look back on the past and reevaluate my actions and words, and try to weigh my fault in my failed relationships. By that, I mean it's making me consider two aspects:

1. What could I have done to make the situation better?

2. Even if I did that, would it have been the best choice?

 

As I write, I realize that reminiscing on things that once was is making me wish that what was is now: strong, steadfast relationships, full of laughter and intimacy. There are friends that I wish was still a vital part of my life, who I wish that we can get a fraction back of the way we were.

 

This also makes me consider the way I can sometimes blow up about things and take them out of proportion. At the time, I feel justified. I have gotten a lot better about that, too; you should not do things out of anger, or the over abundance of any emotion for that matter. Your perception is distorted and may cause you to do things that you normally would not do had you been of sound mind.

 

I can't forget that I was not the only perpetrator. My role in the failures was not one-sided, but it makes one wonder if both parties cared enough, could obstacles have been overcome? In the end, it seems I was the only one who cared; I tried hard to fix things, but to no avail. I couldn't have been the only one in my relationships because if that were the case, WOULD it have been worth it?

 

I hate questions and thought rewinds.

 

My heart seems to think that if I love something, then it should be close to me. I then question why it is not…

 

…I then realize that you have no control over anyone but yourself. You can't make people love you. You can't make people want to be in your life. You can't make yourself matter to other people, no matter if you pull ALL the stops.

 

That's what makes me question myself, if it's me. Is there some arresting factor about me that drives people away? There is room for improvement in everyone, but is mine so dire that it deems my presence uninhabitable for long periods of time?

 

Everything happens for a reason, but it's never a linear path. If it were, this road would not seem to be heading back in the opposite direction, questioning my present based on a past that should be forgotten.

 

Love is another indicator of life's path not being linear; I have love for SO many people from the past who probably don't even think about me anymore. And for my love to still be so prevalent, it makes me think, and sit down a write things like this….wondering…

 

What If…?

 

I still love you; always will.

 

One ♥